Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
