1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
