I think my fart just growled at me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
