I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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