my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
