i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
