Christians are straight up FREAKS
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
