I must be too annoying 4 u.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
