Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
