Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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