true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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