just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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