I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How does one acquire holy water?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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