I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
