My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
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The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
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I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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