I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
