NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
