I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
