As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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