It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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