I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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