3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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