I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
