Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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