My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
