Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
