the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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