i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
tell me about the eggs
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