I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
