Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Two words: nipple clamps
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