my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
