So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
