Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
