You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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