You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
