Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
