You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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