No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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