It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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