We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
