Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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