the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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