he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
All I want is dick and wine.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
