Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
