I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
