so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
