I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
