He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
