He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
