when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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