he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
