i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
