The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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