I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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