I just threw up on my dentist
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
