but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
