last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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