Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
