btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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