when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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