What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
