I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
